Have you ever done it? Taken a cat out of a bag, I mean. Heck, have you ever got one IN a bag?
I haven't. So, I'm just imagining what it would entail and what the consequences might be. I do have an active and vivid imagination, though! So, I'm thinking that one who would be so brave... or foolish as to put a cat in a bag would sustain numerous wounds regardless of the outcome of the endeavor. IF such an one were successful, I would imagine that said person would rather let the cat stay where it was than deal with trying to get it out again.
This is where you find me.
I got the cat in the bag and have been loathe to get it out or even let it get out. But it's coming.
Just know that I DO, in fact, KNOW that lots of other women have faced this same challenge. I'm sure with more grace than me! I mentioned a girl a while back... I'm going to share more about her in a while. Anyway... She coule be my twin. She is not, actually, but we're so similar she could be! Anyway... she, just as one example, is dealing with the problem I'm trying to share in this post, too. It's just difficult! I guess a bit like stepping into the sun after a confinement in the dark and cold. It's eventually a gift and relief to be in the sun, but it's a bit miserable and painful right at the beginning.
So, I was trying to get rid of the internet at our house because I found my husband watching porn. I realize there are lots of folks (guys AND girls) who would scoff or mock me for the pain this discovery has caused. But like all doozies, this is a multi-faceted gem of darkness.
Before I explain further, I have to tell you aobut some really religious sort of spiritual stuff. I haven't written about that part of me so much here because I don't want to "turn anybody off" to reading my story. What I'm goint to share is absolutely pertinent to the story of my husband watching porn, finding him doing it, and all the resulting fallout for me.
For three or four months before I saw him looking at porn with my own eyes, I heard whispers to my mind that Beauty Man was doing it. I asked him, point blank, if he was. I even told him I heard (he KNOWS what this means) he was and asked again if he was. Each time he told me he was not, had not, did not... however he said it, he always said no.
Back up to the very beginning of us. That's been long enough, now, for us to have four children with the youngest being around 1 year old. I found him looking at porn way back in the beginning. I was a different person back then. It bothered me. It hurt my feelings some. I felt slightly mistrustful of him, but I believed him when he told me he would stop. I asked him to stop because it hurt my feelings.
Skip forward a few years.
He promised me that when we found out we were preggie, he would quit smoking. He did. But then, unbeknownst to me, he started up again. I knew it, though. I heard the whispers (not audible, but to my mind). I heard the Holy Spirit tell me what he was doing, but I would not believe. I didn't want to believe my husband was lying to me. I WAS told and warned, though. I asked him point blank, numerous times. He lied in reply. Repeatedly. And for years.
The truth didn't come out until he'd move me away from my parents and brothers. He'd lied to me for 3 years by then! And since? (I hear you wonder.) That's part of the huge problem in this FrankenMonster Marriage! He's NEVER completely stopped lying!!!! Not only has he lied, bu he's also stolen money from our family. He's still more in a habit of hiding the truth than TELLING the truth. It's very painful for me. Remember how honest, how truthful I like being?
The story isn't complete, but I really must take a break from the telling. I'll resume very soon. Promise.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Bad News; and Worse
Pre-Post Note:
I think, if I can, I'm going to post Mondays AND Fridays. Monster Girl Mondays and FrankenMarriage Fridays. Sounds nice! :) Don't you think so? Anyway, thus today's post. I may post other days of the week, too, of course, but I'm not going to commit to that. Heck, I've only just been able to get two Mondays in a row! HA!
On to the Post!
My husband came home from work with bad news.
The cycle, it seems, is revving up for a repeat ride again. This is the bad news. The cycle is, of course, cyclical in nature. But I sure do wish the thing would get considerable bigger (last years rather than months!). In this stage of the cycle that we seem to be experiencing, the boss begins to become excessive in his expectations, demands, and eventually (sooner or later... usually sooner) fires Beauty Man.
He's not assertive enough. He doesn't stand up for himself vociferously enough. I know this absolutely because this is how he is with me, too.
I really thought it would be different this time. But I see the writing in the sand clear as day! I've seen it before in exactly this way. His boss has hired someone (hiring is supposed to be one of my husband's responsibilities) who will, supposedly work with Beauty Man. The boss is demanding certain planning forms to be set in place, though the plans he desires are not realistic... not in a kitchen with the staff relative to volume that this kitchen has, for sure!
As I ponder on the matter, I realize that he simply isn't changed enough for the cycle to be different. *sigh* So it goes.
Also, it usually happens this way... soon after my man does something really wrong and/or stupid and that wrong/stupid thing comes to light. I haven't always known his wrong-doing when he was fired... but it's there to view in the perfect vision of hindsight!
The Beauty Man's solution to this problem is to work from home on the internet doing a job he's heard about on the radio, but doesn't know whwat it actually is and doesn't know what (if any) investment it will require to get started. This suggestion is a HUGE problem for me for many reasons. ALL connected to deaths and especially the one(s) sustained most recently - over which the computer died and the internet was removed (or, at least, I was going to cancel it) by me against Beauty Man's desires. (Read: internet is a huge aspect of the problem I still haven't explained.)
I need to tell you about this most recent death... as well as all the others, really. But even in anonymity, it is SO difficult to come out of hiding. Next time. For sure.
I think, if I can, I'm going to post Mondays AND Fridays. Monster Girl Mondays and FrankenMarriage Fridays. Sounds nice! :) Don't you think so? Anyway, thus today's post. I may post other days of the week, too, of course, but I'm not going to commit to that. Heck, I've only just been able to get two Mondays in a row! HA!
On to the Post!
My husband came home from work with bad news.
The cycle, it seems, is revving up for a repeat ride again. This is the bad news. The cycle is, of course, cyclical in nature. But I sure do wish the thing would get considerable bigger (last years rather than months!). In this stage of the cycle that we seem to be experiencing, the boss begins to become excessive in his expectations, demands, and eventually (sooner or later... usually sooner) fires Beauty Man.
He's not assertive enough. He doesn't stand up for himself vociferously enough. I know this absolutely because this is how he is with me, too.
I really thought it would be different this time. But I see the writing in the sand clear as day! I've seen it before in exactly this way. His boss has hired someone (hiring is supposed to be one of my husband's responsibilities) who will, supposedly work with Beauty Man. The boss is demanding certain planning forms to be set in place, though the plans he desires are not realistic... not in a kitchen with the staff relative to volume that this kitchen has, for sure!
As I ponder on the matter, I realize that he simply isn't changed enough for the cycle to be different. *sigh* So it goes.
Also, it usually happens this way... soon after my man does something really wrong and/or stupid and that wrong/stupid thing comes to light. I haven't always known his wrong-doing when he was fired... but it's there to view in the perfect vision of hindsight!
The Beauty Man's solution to this problem is to work from home on the internet doing a job he's heard about on the radio, but doesn't know whwat it actually is and doesn't know what (if any) investment it will require to get started. This suggestion is a HUGE problem for me for many reasons. ALL connected to deaths and especially the one(s) sustained most recently - over which the computer died and the internet was removed (or, at least, I was going to cancel it) by me against Beauty Man's desires. (Read: internet is a huge aspect of the problem I still haven't explained.)
I need to tell you about this most recent death... as well as all the others, really. But even in anonymity, it is SO difficult to come out of hiding. Next time. For sure.
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Things I Do
Pre-Post Note:
YEAY! My second Monday in a row! Can you believe it? If you knew what I had going on in my head, you'd be cheerin' me on, for sure! :)
First and foremost, I am a Mom. I love being a Mom now. It's still the toughest job I've EVER had, but I do love it. I mentioned that I don't wear jewlery in a previous post. That's been the case for a while, but since I've had children, I have desired jewels less and less because I see my children as the adornment which beautifies me. They are almost always with me. And, as with other women who wear their jewelry, I feel a bit naked without them! :) Plus, I know somewhere in the Bible it says something about how children are like unto diamonds and a man who hath many is rich indeed. (I know I could look it up and link to the verse and/or get a direct quote, but I'm sharing it the way it's written on my heart: imperfection and all.)
My kiddos really are beauties. I say this as a matter of fact. I used to wish that when I had children only I would see them as beautiful. I definitely didn't get my wish. People comment on their beauty almost everywhere we go. Maybe you wonder why I would wish such a thing. It's silly maybe... but I wished it because I felt certain that if I was the only one who thought they were beautiful, then surely they'd be safe from predation or kidnapping. Stories like Elizabeth Smart's have had a tremendous impact on me... obviously!
So, my number 1 calling in this life is Motherhood. I do know that my husband should come first in my heart and life. I do recognize that I need to change my priorities back to the way they should be. They've shifted due to the multitude of deaths (my hopes and expectations)... I'm working on making it right... this man of mine definitely does NOT make that easy, though! Nor, I suppose, is he here to do so. I am, after-all, HIS helpmeet... not he mine. ahwell...
Unfortunately, I do have a work for money job. I place Foreign Exchange students in American families. It's a good job. Doens't pay much in money, but it's a good job for me. I like the work of it and it is the kind of job I'd do for free if I felt I had the time. I do NOT feel like I have the time, but do it because my husband wanted (still does) me to do something to help with the finances. I don't get paid as we go... it's a lump sum at the end of the students' stay... so it's a bit difficult, but it's income.
If I could make money at whatever I wanted to do, I would write and paint! I love to write. Can you tell? I also love to paint. My work in either art form is not of the high art sort. It's just a reflection or projection of me. And I've already shared THAT. I'm not the American ideal of beauty AND I've also shared details about HOW I'm not a beauty. So... the reflections and/or projections really aren't either.
Even though I don't make money (yet?) at writing or painting... I DO have a hope that some day I may. It could happen! Stranger things have, ya know. A girl... even a Monster Girl can hope, anyway, right?!!
I also like to crochet, read, learn, exercise, daydream, cook, and bake. Those last two I loved to do when I was young. But I lost the pleasure in it as I became an adult. Thanks to teaching and working with my eldest, I'm loving it again. The unfortunate part of that is the eating that comes after the baking and cooking. Obviously my explanation of how I look should easily reveal two things to you. 1: I have some severe problems with self-control. And 2: I like to eat.
Eating and/or food is said to be the addiction of choice among Christians. This is true for me, unfortunately. I have reduced my problems within this overarching problem by quitting chocolate. When I first quit, I really thought it would be a short-term thing... like for Lent or something. I've been off the stuff for almost 18 months now. I've definitely felt Led to keep away. MAJOR bummer if you ask me because I still think about it almost daily. Yes. I am a recovering chocoholic. I know people joke about it, but it's not a joke for me. It's an actual addiction from which I'm recovering. Seriously. And I think I'll be in recovery for the rest of my life... oh... this is the first time I'm really realizing that I probably cannot have chocolate again. Oh! The torture! *sigh*
YEAY! My second Monday in a row! Can you believe it? If you knew what I had going on in my head, you'd be cheerin' me on, for sure! :)
First and foremost, I am a Mom. I love being a Mom now. It's still the toughest job I've EVER had, but I do love it. I mentioned that I don't wear jewlery in a previous post. That's been the case for a while, but since I've had children, I have desired jewels less and less because I see my children as the adornment which beautifies me. They are almost always with me. And, as with other women who wear their jewelry, I feel a bit naked without them! :) Plus, I know somewhere in the Bible it says something about how children are like unto diamonds and a man who hath many is rich indeed. (I know I could look it up and link to the verse and/or get a direct quote, but I'm sharing it the way it's written on my heart: imperfection and all.)
My kiddos really are beauties. I say this as a matter of fact. I used to wish that when I had children only I would see them as beautiful. I definitely didn't get my wish. People comment on their beauty almost everywhere we go. Maybe you wonder why I would wish such a thing. It's silly maybe... but I wished it because I felt certain that if I was the only one who thought they were beautiful, then surely they'd be safe from predation or kidnapping. Stories like Elizabeth Smart's have had a tremendous impact on me... obviously!
So, my number 1 calling in this life is Motherhood. I do know that my husband should come first in my heart and life. I do recognize that I need to change my priorities back to the way they should be. They've shifted due to the multitude of deaths (my hopes and expectations)... I'm working on making it right... this man of mine definitely does NOT make that easy, though! Nor, I suppose, is he here to do so. I am, after-all, HIS helpmeet... not he mine. ahwell...
Unfortunately, I do have a work for money job. I place Foreign Exchange students in American families. It's a good job. Doens't pay much in money, but it's a good job for me. I like the work of it and it is the kind of job I'd do for free if I felt I had the time. I do NOT feel like I have the time, but do it because my husband wanted (still does) me to do something to help with the finances. I don't get paid as we go... it's a lump sum at the end of the students' stay... so it's a bit difficult, but it's income.
If I could make money at whatever I wanted to do, I would write and paint! I love to write. Can you tell? I also love to paint. My work in either art form is not of the high art sort. It's just a reflection or projection of me. And I've already shared THAT. I'm not the American ideal of beauty AND I've also shared details about HOW I'm not a beauty. So... the reflections and/or projections really aren't either.
Even though I don't make money (yet?) at writing or painting... I DO have a hope that some day I may. It could happen! Stranger things have, ya know. A girl... even a Monster Girl can hope, anyway, right?!!
I also like to crochet, read, learn, exercise, daydream, cook, and bake. Those last two I loved to do when I was young. But I lost the pleasure in it as I became an adult. Thanks to teaching and working with my eldest, I'm loving it again. The unfortunate part of that is the eating that comes after the baking and cooking. Obviously my explanation of how I look should easily reveal two things to you. 1: I have some severe problems with self-control. And 2: I like to eat.
Eating and/or food is said to be the addiction of choice among Christians. This is true for me, unfortunately. I have reduced my problems within this overarching problem by quitting chocolate. When I first quit, I really thought it would be a short-term thing... like for Lent or something. I've been off the stuff for almost 18 months now. I've definitely felt Led to keep away. MAJOR bummer if you ask me because I still think about it almost daily. Yes. I am a recovering chocoholic. I know people joke about it, but it's not a joke for me. It's an actual addiction from which I'm recovering. Seriously. And I think I'll be in recovery for the rest of my life... oh... this is the first time I'm really realizing that I probably cannot have chocolate again. Oh! The torture! *sigh*
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