Self-Introduction

Have you ever felt like everything in your world was falling apart, only to realize, upon closer contemplation of the situation, that the only thing falling apart was your marriage?  Well, I have... pretty recently, too!  :-p

I decided to open this blog totally anonymously so that I might feel free to really get into the nitty-gritty of dealing with my FrankenMonster of a Marriage.  The idea for this blog came to me after a good hard fit of crying, sobbing the ugly cry, after yet another painful interaction with my husband.

After deciding to write here anonymously, I also decided to do it sort of secretly.  By that I do NOT mean a horrible "secret," but really the kind of sweet secret you get to hold between the time you find out you're preggie and when you tell your hubbie...and then the time between holding that sweet secret together and tell the world.  THAT kind of secret.  ^_^  Only this time, I rather think "gestation" may be the duration of my life.  Hopefully what's left of it is LOTs and lots... so, we have time to become good friends... sort of... in an anonymous sort of way (on my side, at least)... here in internet land.

So, why FrankenMonster Marriage?  Well, I don't know if this is just me being weird... I don't know if anyone else out there has had feelings like the ones I've had and I'm going to share... ... ...but if YOU get it... I hope you'll comment so I might have the chance to feel not quite so alone.  That would be so super truly awesome!

I guess a long time ago I had these hopes.  Expectations too.  Most of them (I honestly think ALL of them, but I'll say most just to be safe) were born of words from my Love's mouth.  So, I liken those hopes and expectations to living breathing human beings.  They have slowly died of various maladies over the years.  Most, though, have died as a result of a knife in the back in the form of lies revealed.  They almost all died in moments of profound betrayal.  Every one of them murdered by their best friend... my husband.

So all these individuals (still "only" hopes and expectations, of course) died.  Muerto.  At one point, a nondescript morning back in November 2011, I think, I realized that the morgue was plump fulled up.  I also realized that I was depressed.

Now, I know depressed because I've been around some LONG "blocks" of it before, if you know what I mean.  (You know, like someone might say, "I've been around the block a time or two."  You know.  Right?)  Anyway...  I've experienced hormonal depression, PPD (some might argue this is hormonal, but in my experience it was so much more extreme that I label it seperately), and situational depression.  I do not enjoy being depressed.  I'm definitely no Bella of Twilight fame.  Would that my man had only the problem of being among the walking dead, needing to suck blood to live, and being too handsome for life.  Hmmm...  maybe he is in a way....  among the walking dead, I mean.  :)  I'll have to investigate that train of though in the future!

Back to the depressed thing: I don't like being depressed.  Realizing that I definitely WAS depressed was really freaking depressing!  See, in the past, it's taken as long as MANY months (read: a year and more) for me to kick my butt OUT of depression and that's just the time it took to get OUT... not including the time I was in the hole... abyss... at the bottom of a cliff in a broken mess... you know, already depressed and just didn't realize the problem.  So, when I realized (that morning in November) that I was depressed, I felt myself grasping at strings by which to pull my far too fluffy self out of the dark.

Then this idea came to me to share my brokenness in all its... BROKE-ness.  That felt promising.  My mind and heart grasped the idea...  no mere string... and toyed with it to determine how to use it to best advantage.  For some reason... oh, yeah... it's because I actually feel like a monster as a result of the reason for the despairing sorrow I felt that morning; so I was thinking of monsters and trying to imagine one that felt appropriate.  Frankenstein popped into my head and it felt like a perfect fit... with a slight change and some additions, of course.  Thus: FrankenMonster Marriage was born; amid the dead bodies in the morgue of my mind.

The morgue full, I realized I simply must figure out what (if anything) I might salvage from all that dead material to fashion something new.

This is my place to purge... to think... to share and hopefully hear from others in similar circumstances.  This is where I'm going to try to think stuff through, write some poetry (cause that form of writing just lends itself to emoting, at least it does for me), and hopefully all of it will make it easier for me to choose happiness each day.  I'm going to try to figure out what can be used from those bods in the morgue to form this FrankenMonster of a Marriage and then toss the rest.  I'm going to do all that only here.  No one else need know I have a monster of a marriage... or that I feel like a Monster Girl....

I'm gunna try to write each Monday.  Yes, I do actually know today is not Monday.  I'm not saying I'm ONLY going to write on Monday.  Sheesh.  ;)  I'm just sayin' I'm gunna try real hard to write each Monday, at the very least.

One last thing before I close for today:  If you know who I am, or think you do, please do NOT tell anyone.  If you think you know who I am, feel free to write to ask me if you want to know for sure.  I will be honest.  Even here where I'm trying to be a bit circumspect, I'm being almost completely honest both in comission and omission kinds of being honest or lying.  Regardless, please don't tell anyone who I am whether you think you know or you do know for sure who I am in the real world.  K?  Thanks bunches!!