Before I begin today's post, I'd like to address my posting habit. It hasn't been what I planned. I'm sorry for the randomness. I haven't been able to get as consisten as I hoped and planned. At least this time I'm writing on a Monday! Hopefully I'll be able to write again next week... and even better if it's on a Monday! :) On to the show:
I never did get around to sharing the contents of my heart last time. You know, the pen outline of the heart on sketch paper filled with characteristics of the man I hoped to marry.
So, NOT in order of importance to my heart, here's who I thought my man was before he started murdering my hopes and killing my expectations one by one:
1. Muscially inclined, skilled, and/or music lover. He was and still is. He plays guitar by tab. He never learned to read music. He is resistant to trying - even to learn just the basics (which is really all I know anyway). He's satisfied with the level of proficiency he has attained. That's disappointing to me because I see this life as a time to constantly work toward perfection. I did say TOWARD, mind!
2. Intelligent. He was and still IS intelligent. Just... he doesn't apply his vast intellectual abilities to make things good between us. Why? I have my hunches... but basically I think it boils down to two things. 1: laziness and 2: lack of feeling worthy of something better. Just as a note, I never would've thought of #2. Someone else suggested it and it just felt RIGHT. I had a huge paradigm shift when the practical stranger said what she said that helped me see this part of my man.
3. Communicative. He was and still is about superficial and really unimportant topics. He's a GOOD chit-chatter.
4. Honest. I thought he was. Basically, he just is NOT honest with. He is basically honest with any and everyone else in the world. Just not me.
5. Trustworthy. Obviously, as the former dies, so the latter follows.
6. Talented. Yes. Was and is still.
7. Hard-working. Selectively. I didn't see this clearly when my "in love" glasses were on. Those dang things are like lookin' though glass smeared with vaseline!
8. Affectionate. He was. He still is when he's building up to tryin' to get "some". He says he still would be if I was. Ummm... nope. I stopped being affectionate because every time I was, he thought I meant something to come later in bed. I like that and all... sex, I mean. But I DO want to be held and UNsexually touched on a regular basis, too! Ya know?
9. Honorable. I thought he was. Not so much. As it happens, one cannot be honorable if you are neither honest nor trustworthy.
10. Loyal. I sure thought he was! Found out he definitely is NOT oh so painfully recently. That's when my hope (faith?) that he was loyal was murdered by him. Yes, I'll tell you that story soon. It's super gorey, though. I hope you're ready for some TMI, cause you'll get an eyeful!
11. Playful. He tolerated my playfulness, but never instigated play with me. This was a disappointment from the very beginning, but it seemed like a really minor thing. Thankfully, he IS playful with our children. The sick thing... THAT's where/how I've felt jealous or envious of our kids the most! :-p
12. Loving. He was and usually still is. But since he doesn't do what I prefer to feel loved, I know in my head when he's doing something loving, but rarely FEEL loved. I recently wrote a Parable to illustrate this. I'll share it next time I'm able to write.
13. Kind. He was. He is... most of the time.
14. Helpful. In the very beginning, he was. But that petered off before we were even married. It's a big deal when he's helpful now-a-days. Often enough, him bein' helpful is him doin' his FEW 'round the house jobs! :-p
15. Thoughtful. He was. Rarely is any more.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
The Paper Heart
When I was a teen, I hear a lil' something about visualization, goal setting, writing 'em down and making 'em real. The Young Women's Program in my church really is something wonderful. Periodically, there was much reference to these subjects in my youth program.
Some of it must've sunk in sometime because I make a paper heart when I was 17. To be more preceise, I drew a heart on a piece of sketch paper and proceeded to accomplish my rendition of artistic letters within the heart. The lettering formed words (of course!). The words described the man I hope to find... or who I hope was looking for me.
I lost that heart for a time and some. And then it found me again. The years had passed, but my hopes remained unchanged. I marveled that I could know, so young, the qualities I'd still want in a spouse years later.
My husband found me a year or so later. On matchmaker.com, as a matter-of-fact. It's still up in the air with us, in a way... but I believe that kind of meeting REALLY can work. When he found me, by what he told me and what I was able to observe, I believed he was thefulfillment of that heart. He truly seemed to be the physical embodyment, in a man I could touch, of all that I desired in a man I could/would marry.
Unfortunately, many of those qualities were intrinsically part of my hopes and the expectations I formed. You know, those hopes that are waiting the scalple in the morgue right now. So, obviously most of my hopes and expectations are new or long dead. And the most recent death is still SO very painful that I cry when I speak around it... cause I'm not speaking directly about what I'm dealing with the people in my daily life. I just can't face showing them that I truly am Monster Girl! :( I just don't want them to see me as I really am. *sigh*
My Beauty Man does still fulfill some of the less important traits. And, when it's all said and done, he is a good man. Not good to or for me at times and in many ways, but obviously all of that is part of my fire (great link to a post that expounds on just what I mean by "fire" in that sentence!).
I do believe visualization as well as goal setting and writing can and DO work. Sometimes (OFTEN in my case) not quite the way I thought or hoped they would, but still.
Some of it must've sunk in sometime because I make a paper heart when I was 17. To be more preceise, I drew a heart on a piece of sketch paper and proceeded to accomplish my rendition of artistic letters within the heart. The lettering formed words (of course!). The words described the man I hope to find... or who I hope was looking for me.
I lost that heart for a time and some. And then it found me again. The years had passed, but my hopes remained unchanged. I marveled that I could know, so young, the qualities I'd still want in a spouse years later.
My husband found me a year or so later. On matchmaker.com, as a matter-of-fact. It's still up in the air with us, in a way... but I believe that kind of meeting REALLY can work. When he found me, by what he told me and what I was able to observe, I believed he was thefulfillment of that heart. He truly seemed to be the physical embodyment, in a man I could touch, of all that I desired in a man I could/would marry.
Unfortunately, many of those qualities were intrinsically part of my hopes and the expectations I formed. You know, those hopes that are waiting the scalple in the morgue right now. So, obviously most of my hopes and expectations are new or long dead. And the most recent death is still SO very painful that I cry when I speak around it... cause I'm not speaking directly about what I'm dealing with the people in my daily life. I just can't face showing them that I truly am Monster Girl! :( I just don't want them to see me as I really am. *sigh*
My Beauty Man does still fulfill some of the less important traits. And, when it's all said and done, he is a good man. Not good to or for me at times and in many ways, but obviously all of that is part of my fire (great link to a post that expounds on just what I mean by "fire" in that sentence!).
I do believe visualization as well as goal setting and writing can and DO work. Sometimes (OFTEN in my case) not quite the way I thought or hoped they would, but still.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Next Question
I'm sure it has everything to do with the way I think and process my world, but if I was a reader of a blog like this and read the last post, I'd want to know what the author of it DOES look like. So, I imagine a question a little something like, "You're not a hot Mama, so what DO you look like? Tell me something about who you ARE, not just who you are NOT."
I'm nobody special. You know the girl. I could be the one everyone knows, but nobody REALLY knows. I may be the girl on the back row in Relief Society or Sunday School, quiet, looking slightly (or a lot) scared... who nobody knows. Either way, I bet you can guess: I feel like nobody really knows me. Mayeb everybody feels this way! I only know how I feel and I definitely feel like nobody REALLY knows me... or cares to try to REALLY get to know me.
Yes, I do realize that this is partially my fault. Truly I do. But when you realize you cannot trust your husband... because he lies to your face... or yells accusations at you about the kind of person he perceives you to be after all the years of your marriage... and you've known him (and thought he knew you) longer than anybody - except your Mom (and maybe Dad and/or siblings)... Well, probably YOU are a better and stronger person than ME. But as for me... well, I stopped being able to freely trust others when I found out my husband had lied bald-faced lies to my face regularly... and for multiple years (when I first found out, the lies had been fed me for at least 3 years!).
Lies are a really big deal to me. I consider myself both a truth seeker AND a truth speaker. A bit like Nephi (the first one). In case you've never read the Book of Mormon, I recommend reading through the first two books, at least, to understand what I'm talking about. This is a character trait I've liked about myself. So... it's been difficult to feel mistrustful of others and not be as bold or FULLY honest as I used to be. I don't lie striaght out lies. But I have begun to leave things out. Lies of omission are still lies, my friend. So, I'm becomming a lying sinner. :( I know I was always a sinner... but lies!?? grrrr...
Back to the question... more directly: I'm 5'2" tall. I'm right around 250 pounds fluffy. I haven't stepped on the scale recently, though... I'm afraid to see what the actual reading is! I have long brown hair shot through with increasingly thick streaks of gray. Someone recently-ish told me that they thought it was blonde (the streaks). I'm not sure they were being truthful because I could perceive that they WERE trying to be kind. Too bad the two don't usually walk hand in hand!
My eyes are blue. Although I'm sure it's a pretty blue, it's not a remarkable blue. Most people don't realize I have blue eyesuntil they look upon my children and wonderf where their strikingly beautiful eyes come from. Well, since Beauty Man's eyes are green... blue wins out most (if not all) of the time. So far, blue has won out every time in our progeny. :)
Thankfully, though I am a chubbly monster girl, I'm fluffy in a relatively well-proportioned way. Thank God for small mercies, right!? The fatness on me is not the sort of firm kind some chubby girls have. It's jello-ey like gross-ness. I told you I was monsterous by "American Beauty" standards. My husband is about 100 pounds lighter than e... but way heavier in sins of omission AND comission than me. I think I try to eat his hiding... anyway... back to me and how I look.
I have oversized hands and feet. My hands are actually the same size as my husband's; only fatter. Additionally, my chubby, oversized mannish-hands just don't move as gracefully or beautifully as my Beauty Man's. My feet are a size 10 wide (women's, thankfully). Oh... and I have high arches! Talk about di-i-fficult to find comfy shoes!! It's far more fitting as Monster Girl to wear comfortable shoes. I do wear flip-flops as much as possible. No worries about stuffing fluffy feet into too tight shoes if the shoes are flip-flops! :) Yes, I do wear them in the winter - mostly. Every once in a while it does get too cold and I wear my other pair of shoes. I prefer, though, bare feet most of all! ^_^
I also prefer comfy clothes. Modest, too. I feel SUPER strange if someone compliments my attire. I'd rather hide by my clothes and stick out by my pleasant countenance and kindnesses. But that's just me.
I don't do my nails. In fact, I keep them short enough that I've been mistaken for a pianist, guitarist, and/or artist. Oh... I wish on that last one... the first, too, really... but the last most of all!
I don't wear make-up. I don't wear jewelry. I'll tell you about my jewels later. :) I wear skirts and blouses. I would wear dresses if I wasn't nursing, but I hope to be nursing for some time yet - whether my current baby or the next. At least, I hope there will be a next! Oh, how I hope! I feel like I know them... the babies "missing" as yet. Oh, how I hope for them... but that, too, is a story for another time. :)
Given this self-description, you might think that I don't like me. Before the most recent horrible "earthquake" in my marriage, I was atually quite happy with me. Mostly. I mean, I was still working out some of the pain left over from the shock of the negative confrontation that was biggest prior to the most recent one... but I had definitely reached a place of acceptance and even quite a lot of peace and even some happiness in and with myself. You might also suggest that my self-image is a result of the depression I'm working to come out of right now. You may be on to something in that. It sure is amazing what catastrophic damage I've allowed the tumult in my marriage to cause in my heart! :(
As ever... if you know who I am... shhhh... I'd like my identity to stay between you and me!
I'm nobody special. You know the girl. I could be the one everyone knows, but nobody REALLY knows. I may be the girl on the back row in Relief Society or Sunday School, quiet, looking slightly (or a lot) scared... who nobody knows. Either way, I bet you can guess: I feel like nobody really knows me. Mayeb everybody feels this way! I only know how I feel and I definitely feel like nobody REALLY knows me... or cares to try to REALLY get to know me.
Yes, I do realize that this is partially my fault. Truly I do. But when you realize you cannot trust your husband... because he lies to your face... or yells accusations at you about the kind of person he perceives you to be after all the years of your marriage... and you've known him (and thought he knew you) longer than anybody - except your Mom (and maybe Dad and/or siblings)... Well, probably YOU are a better and stronger person than ME. But as for me... well, I stopped being able to freely trust others when I found out my husband had lied bald-faced lies to my face regularly... and for multiple years (when I first found out, the lies had been fed me for at least 3 years!).
Lies are a really big deal to me. I consider myself both a truth seeker AND a truth speaker. A bit like Nephi (the first one). In case you've never read the Book of Mormon, I recommend reading through the first two books, at least, to understand what I'm talking about. This is a character trait I've liked about myself. So... it's been difficult to feel mistrustful of others and not be as bold or FULLY honest as I used to be. I don't lie striaght out lies. But I have begun to leave things out. Lies of omission are still lies, my friend. So, I'm becomming a lying sinner. :( I know I was always a sinner... but lies!?? grrrr...
Back to the question... more directly: I'm 5'2" tall. I'm right around 250 pounds fluffy. I haven't stepped on the scale recently, though... I'm afraid to see what the actual reading is! I have long brown hair shot through with increasingly thick streaks of gray. Someone recently-ish told me that they thought it was blonde (the streaks). I'm not sure they were being truthful because I could perceive that they WERE trying to be kind. Too bad the two don't usually walk hand in hand!
My eyes are blue. Although I'm sure it's a pretty blue, it's not a remarkable blue. Most people don't realize I have blue eyesuntil they look upon my children and wonderf where their strikingly beautiful eyes come from. Well, since Beauty Man's eyes are green... blue wins out most (if not all) of the time. So far, blue has won out every time in our progeny. :)
Thankfully, though I am a chubbly monster girl, I'm fluffy in a relatively well-proportioned way. Thank God for small mercies, right!? The fatness on me is not the sort of firm kind some chubby girls have. It's jello-ey like gross-ness. I told you I was monsterous by "American Beauty" standards. My husband is about 100 pounds lighter than e... but way heavier in sins of omission AND comission than me. I think I try to eat his hiding... anyway... back to me and how I look.
I have oversized hands and feet. My hands are actually the same size as my husband's; only fatter. Additionally, my chubby, oversized mannish-hands just don't move as gracefully or beautifully as my Beauty Man's. My feet are a size 10 wide (women's, thankfully). Oh... and I have high arches! Talk about di-i-fficult to find comfy shoes!! It's far more fitting as Monster Girl to wear comfortable shoes. I do wear flip-flops as much as possible. No worries about stuffing fluffy feet into too tight shoes if the shoes are flip-flops! :) Yes, I do wear them in the winter - mostly. Every once in a while it does get too cold and I wear my other pair of shoes. I prefer, though, bare feet most of all! ^_^
I also prefer comfy clothes. Modest, too. I feel SUPER strange if someone compliments my attire. I'd rather hide by my clothes and stick out by my pleasant countenance and kindnesses. But that's just me.
I don't do my nails. In fact, I keep them short enough that I've been mistaken for a pianist, guitarist, and/or artist. Oh... I wish on that last one... the first, too, really... but the last most of all!
I don't wear make-up. I don't wear jewelry. I'll tell you about my jewels later. :) I wear skirts and blouses. I would wear dresses if I wasn't nursing, but I hope to be nursing for some time yet - whether my current baby or the next. At least, I hope there will be a next! Oh, how I hope! I feel like I know them... the babies "missing" as yet. Oh, how I hope for them... but that, too, is a story for another time. :)
Given this self-description, you might think that I don't like me. Before the most recent horrible "earthquake" in my marriage, I was atually quite happy with me. Mostly. I mean, I was still working out some of the pain left over from the shock of the negative confrontation that was biggest prior to the most recent one... but I had definitely reached a place of acceptance and even quite a lot of peace and even some happiness in and with myself. You might also suggest that my self-image is a result of the depression I'm working to come out of right now. You may be on to something in that. It sure is amazing what catastrophic damage I've allowed the tumult in my marriage to cause in my heart! :(
As ever... if you know who I am... shhhh... I'd like my identity to stay between you and me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)