The Paper Heart

When I was a teen, I hear a lil' something about visualization, goal setting, writing 'em down and making 'em real.  The Young Women's Program in my church really is something wonderful.  Periodically, there was much reference to these subjects in my youth program.

Some of it must've sunk in sometime because I make a paper heart when I was 17.  To be more preceise, I drew a heart on a piece of sketch paper and proceeded to accomplish my rendition of artistic letters within the heart.  The lettering formed words (of course!).  The words described the man I hope to find... or who I hope was looking for me.

I lost that heart for a time and some.  And then it found me again.  The years had passed, but my hopes remained unchanged.  I marveled that I could know, so young, the qualities I'd still want in a spouse years later.

My husband found me a year or so later.  On matchmaker.com, as a matter-of-fact.  It's still up in the air with us, in a way... but I believe that kind of meeting REALLY can work.  When he found me, by what he told me and what I was able to observe, I believed he was thefulfillment of that heart.  He truly seemed to be the physical embodyment, in a man I could touch, of all that I desired in a man I could/would marry.

Unfortunately, many of those qualities were intrinsically part of my hopes and the expectations I formed.  You know, those hopes that are waiting the scalple in the morgue right now.  So, obviously most of my hopes and expectations are new or long dead.  And the most recent death is still SO very painful that I cry when I speak around it... cause I'm not speaking directly about what I'm dealing with the people in my daily life.  I just can't face showing them that I truly am Monster Girl!  :(  I just don't want them to see me as I really am.  *sigh*

My Beauty Man does still fulfill some of the less important traits.  And, when it's all said and done, he is a good man.  Not good to or for me at times and in many ways, but obviously all of that is part of my fire (great link to a post that expounds on just what I mean by "fire" in that sentence!).

I do believe visualization as well as goal setting and writing can and DO work.  Sometimes (OFTEN in my case) not quite the way I thought or hoped they would, but still.