Have you ever done it? Taken a cat out of a bag, I mean. Heck, have you ever got one IN a bag?
I haven't. So, I'm just imagining what it would entail and what the consequences might be. I do have an active and vivid imagination, though! So, I'm thinking that one who would be so brave... or foolish as to put a cat in a bag would sustain numerous wounds regardless of the outcome of the endeavor. IF such an one were successful, I would imagine that said person would rather let the cat stay where it was than deal with trying to get it out again.
This is where you find me.
I got the cat in the bag and have been loathe to get it out or even let it get out. But it's coming.
Just know that I DO, in fact, KNOW that lots of other women have faced this same challenge. I'm sure with more grace than me! I mentioned a girl a while back... I'm going to share more about her in a while. Anyway... She coule be my twin. She is not, actually, but we're so similar she could be! Anyway... she, just as one example, is dealing with the problem I'm trying to share in this post, too. It's just difficult! I guess a bit like stepping into the sun after a confinement in the dark and cold. It's eventually a gift and relief to be in the sun, but it's a bit miserable and painful right at the beginning.
So, I was trying to get rid of the internet at our house because I found my husband watching porn. I realize there are lots of folks (guys AND girls) who would scoff or mock me for the pain this discovery has caused. But like all doozies, this is a multi-faceted gem of darkness.
Before I explain further, I have to tell you aobut some really religious sort of spiritual stuff. I haven't written about that part of me so much here because I don't want to "turn anybody off" to reading my story. What I'm goint to share is absolutely pertinent to the story of my husband watching porn, finding him doing it, and all the resulting fallout for me.
For three or four months before I saw him looking at porn with my own eyes, I heard whispers to my mind that Beauty Man was doing it. I asked him, point blank, if he was. I even told him I heard (he KNOWS what this means) he was and asked again if he was. Each time he told me he was not, had not, did not... however he said it, he always said no.
Back up to the very beginning of us. That's been long enough, now, for us to have four children with the youngest being around 1 year old. I found him looking at porn way back in the beginning. I was a different person back then. It bothered me. It hurt my feelings some. I felt slightly mistrustful of him, but I believed him when he told me he would stop. I asked him to stop because it hurt my feelings.
Skip forward a few years.
He promised me that when we found out we were preggie, he would quit smoking. He did. But then, unbeknownst to me, he started up again. I knew it, though. I heard the whispers (not audible, but to my mind). I heard the Holy Spirit tell me what he was doing, but I would not believe. I didn't want to believe my husband was lying to me. I WAS told and warned, though. I asked him point blank, numerous times. He lied in reply. Repeatedly. And for years.
The truth didn't come out until he'd move me away from my parents and brothers. He'd lied to me for 3 years by then! And since? (I hear you wonder.) That's part of the huge problem in this FrankenMonster Marriage! He's NEVER completely stopped lying!!!! Not only has he lied, bu he's also stolen money from our family. He's still more in a habit of hiding the truth than TELLING the truth. It's very painful for me. Remember how honest, how truthful I like being?
The story isn't complete, but I really must take a break from the telling. I'll resume very soon. Promise.
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