I'm sure it has everything to do with the way I think and process my world, but if I was a reader of a blog like this and read the last post, I'd want to know what the author of it DOES look like. So, I imagine a question a little something like, "You're not a hot Mama, so what DO you look like? Tell me something about who you ARE, not just who you are NOT."
I'm nobody special. You know the girl. I could be the one everyone knows, but nobody REALLY knows. I may be the girl on the back row in Relief Society or Sunday School, quiet, looking slightly (or a lot) scared... who nobody knows. Either way, I bet you can guess: I feel like nobody really knows me. Mayeb everybody feels this way! I only know how I feel and I definitely feel like nobody REALLY knows me... or cares to try to REALLY get to know me.
Yes, I do realize that this is partially my fault. Truly I do. But when you realize you cannot trust your husband... because he lies to your face... or yells accusations at you about the kind of person he perceives you to be after all the years of your marriage... and you've known him (and thought he knew you) longer than anybody - except your Mom (and maybe Dad and/or siblings)... Well, probably YOU are a better and stronger person than ME. But as for me... well, I stopped being able to freely trust others when I found out my husband had lied bald-faced lies to my face regularly... and for multiple years (when I first found out, the lies had been fed me for at least 3 years!).
Lies are a really big deal to me. I consider myself both a truth seeker AND a truth speaker. A bit like Nephi (the first one). In case you've never read the Book of Mormon, I recommend reading through the first two books, at least, to understand what I'm talking about. This is a character trait I've liked about myself. So... it's been difficult to feel mistrustful of others and not be as bold or FULLY honest as I used to be. I don't lie striaght out lies. But I have begun to leave things out. Lies of omission are still lies, my friend. So, I'm becomming a lying sinner. :( I know I was always a sinner... but lies!?? grrrr...
Back to the question... more directly: I'm 5'2" tall. I'm right around 250 pounds fluffy. I haven't stepped on the scale recently, though... I'm afraid to see what the actual reading is! I have long brown hair shot through with increasingly thick streaks of gray. Someone recently-ish told me that they thought it was blonde (the streaks). I'm not sure they were being truthful because I could perceive that they WERE trying to be kind. Too bad the two don't usually walk hand in hand!
My eyes are blue. Although I'm sure it's a pretty blue, it's not a remarkable blue. Most people don't realize I have blue eyesuntil they look upon my children and wonderf where their strikingly beautiful eyes come from. Well, since Beauty Man's eyes are green... blue wins out most (if not all) of the time. So far, blue has won out every time in our progeny. :)
Thankfully, though I am a chubbly monster girl, I'm fluffy in a relatively well-proportioned way. Thank God for small mercies, right!? The fatness on me is not the sort of firm kind some chubby girls have. It's jello-ey like gross-ness. I told you I was monsterous by "American Beauty" standards. My husband is about 100 pounds lighter than e... but way heavier in sins of omission AND comission than me. I think I try to eat his hiding... anyway... back to me and how I look.
I have oversized hands and feet. My hands are actually the same size as my husband's; only fatter. Additionally, my chubby, oversized mannish-hands just don't move as gracefully or beautifully as my Beauty Man's. My feet are a size 10 wide (women's, thankfully). Oh... and I have high arches! Talk about di-i-fficult to find comfy shoes!! It's far more fitting as Monster Girl to wear comfortable shoes. I do wear flip-flops as much as possible. No worries about stuffing fluffy feet into too tight shoes if the shoes are flip-flops! :) Yes, I do wear them in the winter - mostly. Every once in a while it does get too cold and I wear my other pair of shoes. I prefer, though, bare feet most of all! ^_^
I also prefer comfy clothes. Modest, too. I feel SUPER strange if someone compliments my attire. I'd rather hide by my clothes and stick out by my pleasant countenance and kindnesses. But that's just me.
I don't do my nails. In fact, I keep them short enough that I've been mistaken for a pianist, guitarist, and/or artist. Oh... I wish on that last one... the first, too, really... but the last most of all!
I don't wear make-up. I don't wear jewelry. I'll tell you about my jewels later. :) I wear skirts and blouses. I would wear dresses if I wasn't nursing, but I hope to be nursing for some time yet - whether my current baby or the next. At least, I hope there will be a next! Oh, how I hope! I feel like I know them... the babies "missing" as yet. Oh, how I hope for them... but that, too, is a story for another time. :)
Given this self-description, you might think that I don't like me. Before the most recent horrible "earthquake" in my marriage, I was atually quite happy with me. Mostly. I mean, I was still working out some of the pain left over from the shock of the negative confrontation that was biggest prior to the most recent one... but I had definitely reached a place of acceptance and even quite a lot of peace and even some happiness in and with myself. You might also suggest that my self-image is a result of the depression I'm working to come out of right now. You may be on to something in that. It sure is amazing what catastrophic damage I've allowed the tumult in my marriage to cause in my heart! :(
As ever... if you know who I am... shhhh... I'd like my identity to stay between you and me!
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