The Morgue

Before I begin today's post, I'd like to address my posting habit.  It hasn't been what I planned.  I'm sorry for the randomness.  I haven't been able to get as consisten as I hoped and planned.  At least this time I'm writing on a Monday!  Hopefully I'll be able to write again next week... and even better if it's on a Monday!  :)  On to the show:

I never did get around to sharing the contents of my heart last time.  You know, the pen outline of the heart on sketch paper filled with characteristics of the man I hoped to marry.

So, NOT in order of importance to my heart, here's who I thought my man was before he started murdering my hopes and killing my expectations one by one:

1. Muscially inclined, skilled, and/or music lover.  He was and still is.  He plays guitar by tab.  He never learned to read music.  He is resistant to trying - even to learn just the basics (which is really all I know anyway).  He's satisfied with the level of proficiency he has attained.  That's disappointing to me because I see this life as a time to constantly work toward perfection.  I did say TOWARD, mind!

2. Intelligent.  He was and still IS intelligent.  Just... he doesn't apply his vast intellectual abilities to make things good between us.  Why?  I have my hunches... but basically I think it boils down to two things. 1: laziness and 2: lack of feeling worthy of something better.  Just as a note, I never would've thought of #2.  Someone else suggested it and it just felt RIGHT.  I had a huge paradigm shift when the practical stranger said what she said that helped me see this part of my man.

3. Communicative.  He was and still is about superficial and really unimportant topics.  He's a GOOD chit-chatter.

4.  Honest.  I thought he was.  Basically, he just is NOT honest with.  He is basically honest with any and everyone else in the world.  Just not me.

5. Trustworthy.  Obviously, as the former dies, so the latter follows.

6. Talented.  Yes.  Was and is still.

7. Hard-working.  Selectively.  I didn't see this clearly when my "in love" glasses were on.  Those dang things are like lookin' though glass smeared with vaseline!

8. Affectionate.  He was.  He still is when he's building up to tryin' to get "some".  He says he still would be if I was.  Ummm... nope.  I stopped being affectionate because every time I was, he thought I meant something to come later in bed.  I like that and all... sex, I mean.  But I DO want to be held and UNsexually touched on a regular basis, too!  Ya know?

9. Honorable.  I thought he was.  Not so much.  As it happens, one cannot be honorable if you are neither honest nor trustworthy.

10.  Loyal.  I sure thought he was!  Found out he definitely is NOT oh so painfully recently.  That's when my hope (faith?) that he was loyal was murdered by him.  Yes, I'll tell you that story soon.  It's super gorey, though.  I hope you're ready for some TMI, cause you'll get an eyeful!

11. Playful.  He tolerated my playfulness, but never instigated play with me.  This was a disappointment from the very beginning, but it seemed like a really minor thing.  Thankfully, he IS playful with our children.  The sick thing... THAT's where/how I've felt jealous or envious of our kids the most!  :-p

12. Loving.  He was and usually still is.  But since he doesn't do what I prefer to feel loved, I know in my head when he's doing something loving, but rarely FEEL loved.  I recently wrote a Parable to illustrate this.  I'll share it next time I'm able to write.

13. Kind.  He was.  He is... most of the time.

14. Helpful.  In the very beginning, he was.  But that petered off before we were even married.  It's a big deal when he's helpful now-a-days.  Often enough, him bein' helpful is him doin' his FEW 'round the house jobs!  :-p

15. Thoughtful.  He was.  Rarely is any more.